If You Were Gay
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: I in the Alphabetic fic challenge. MultiPairs. Everyone knew the twins were evil, the same as they knew that rain fell and bread rose, but every so often their pranks are thinly veiled experiments... Humor, yaoi content.


A/N: This shall be CRACK and I shall enjoy it and that is about all that needs to be said…^_^ Ha…anyway, yeah, this was a very strange idea that I had a long time ago when I put my alphabetics set together. I had to compile everything plus Infernum's challenges to fill 26 fics…and then…I got side tracked and added like 10 more…urgh…there are too many "I" songs that I love…

Anyway, this particular fic is from the wonderful song "If you were Gay" by Avenue Q. I could listen to it for days straight…I love it so much…but yeah…it really isn't much about the interior of the song as most of my alphabetics' fics aren't, but the main point is that it's crack, so yeah…heehee.

This fic was probably written mostly as my own means of monopolizing the club to my tastes, for after that, I can truly pick and choose, just like how it's supposed to be!!! Because now that I have enacted my plan, I put anyone in any pairing I want! WAHAHAHA!!!! Except…I may add even more to the club with my regular methods of…persuasion…yes…"GO MY MINIONS, GO!"

(Twins look at me strangely) "What are you talking about? We're doing this because we think it's fun." (Acerbus frowns) "LIARS! GO AND MAKE A NATION!" (Twins walk off confused, Hikaru speaks) "Weirdo…probably another otaku like Renge…why can't they learn to stay away?!" (Kaoru replies) "Maybe it's because this is kind of like a reverse harem role playing series?" (Hikaru nods sadly) "Nekozawa's sister hit it right on the head…" (They walk away to start the fic!!!)

The sun was shallow in its patches in the third music room. It paled further than a white in the mid-afternoon heat and the regular yellows were replaced by stinging discomfort whenever one of the host club members happened to let themselves drift into it.

The music room wasn't very busy this particular school day as the spring holidays had rolled around and the few that dared to book appointments for monopolies of the club were scarce, even with the alluring chance that dangled in front of some of the customers' noses.

The day had nearly consigned itself to quiet conversation among the interval of outbursts from the king who didn't have much else to do than act dramatic. It was at that point that the twins decided that they should go straight to work.

They cast glances from the corners of their eyes at each other and commenced their plans. They strode forth and were about to strike the greatest revolution since Napoleon himself. It was time for a change of course and with the twins, that is exactly what they promised and delivered every time.

With their identical heels clacking along the chess tile floor, they marched off towards their first target: Hunny. It wasn't quite that hard to understand why they decided on him first. After all, he was the weakest of the host club.

They approached him with simple gestures and politeness or in Hunny's language, cake…lots of cake. They smiled across the small table at the gluttonous blond fluff ball, ideas already swarming their heads. Hikaru opened the conversation casually.

"So Hunny, do you have a favorite kind of cake?" It was excruciating to have to start a conversation asking Hunny about cake, but they were reassured that it would be worth it all in the end. The opposite black hole replied with his entire usual valor of icing, "Yep! I like all of them!"

They could have guessed that. Kaoru took the baton graciously passed off by Hikaru with a well placed blink. He took a different direction altogether now that the ice had been shattered to dust by the mention of gooey baked pastry.

"You know, Hunny, you are very comfortable around everyone…did you notice that?" Hunny cocked his head with his fork still clamped firmly in his jaws. He maneuvered words around the utensil. "What do you mean?"

Kaoru gave a warm smile fabricated like a Sunday comic and replied. "Well, you are always so friendly…to everyone. You're not just friendly to customers, but the males around the school as well…" Hunny frowned. "Is that wrong? I don't mind being friendly to boys or girls." The twins let their mouths split open. Bingo.

"So Hunny, are you saying that you like boys just as much as girls?" Hunny nodded absent mindedly as more cake screamed as it fell glaze first into the abyss of his stomach. They continued. "Okay, then, do you like boys more than girls?" Hunny blinked and then rolled his eyes off to the side to think for a moment before replying.

"I think so. You guys are my friends, right? So of course I do!" The simultaneous thought let the rigging go as they pulled their point and packed their punches. "Hunny, are you gay?" The other started violently before exclaiming in his usual childish way. "What?! What are you talking about?! What do you mean?!"

They persisted, pushing through the thin embryo of evil of corrupting the child. "Well, when you like boys more than girls, then you're gay. We're gay, Hunny, so it's not a bad thing at all. Do you understand?" Hunny softened a little, but confusion still reigned on his face.

"Really? Is that all it means to be gay? I thought there was more…" The twins shook their heads. "Nope, that's basically it actually. You just like boys more than girls. You love them more than girls too. You love us, don't you Hunny?"

The distraught childish senior seemed to turn from one absolute to another before answering quickly either from doubt or fear of rejection. "Yes! I do love you! I do!" The twins smiled again with comforting warmth that was still able to be manipulated.

"Good, we're happy. Then you are gay." Hunny seemed to be boxed into the conclusion still unable to understand before he slowly replied with an, "Okay," before going back to his cake, poking at it at first before returning to engorging on it like a demon on writhing human souls, which isn't as bad as Hunny eating cake.

The twins waited until Hunny was smiling again and had finished massacring enough baked goods to make the Germans proud before they stood up and bowed themselves out, smiling at one down and more than a few to go. It would all get easier from here.

***

They proceeded to the next step of their diabolical plan who just happened to be Mori. They tiptoed through the tiles until they were right up on the giant stoic character. He turned to them silently as they stated their business.

"Mori, we need to talk with you." He didn't say anything; he only nodded and followed them as they led him into a corner to talk. Hikaru started once more. "Mori, we have concern about a few things that we've noticed…" Mori blinked, but did little else than that.

Kaoru picked up the falling ribbon. "Yes, we needed to come to you and get your side of the story before we made any BIG assumptions." Mori nodded consistently to the words that apparently made sense to him. Hikaru pushed the limit.

"Mori, we've noticed that you like Hunny a lot…" Mori didn't respond further than a frown. Hikaru continued. "You care for him a lot, right?" The quiet giant agreed slowly with a dip of his chin. They pressed further. "So, you do love him a lot, right?"

Mori hesitated and then nodded again. The double allowed themselves a smile. "You love him more than you should, right?" Mori tensed a little, his eyebrows cornering as he had been by the Twins. "Don't be ashamed! There's nothing, wrong, we just want to hear your side of the story!"

Mori looked off to the side and slightly raised his head. The Twins took this as warning signs and went to plan B. "Hunny does care a lot for you, you know." His eyes raced back on the topic at this mentioning. They were getting closer. Kaoru grabbed the loop of interest.

"Yeah, he really does. You know that he loves you a lot, right?" Mori looked off to the side again with a very unnoticeable blush hiding behind his cheeks. Hikaru went for the clencher. "He must care for you! He even just came out to us and told us that he was gay."

Mori head whipped at this. The Twins did not let this die. "He must care for you a lot. He said that he liked boys more than girls and that he agreed that he was gay. Since you are so close to him, you must be VERY important to HIM. He probably NEVER wants to let YOU go…we're almost JEALOUS that HE LOVES YOU that much…he's gay after all."

As they stressed every other word in their explanation, Mori became more and more lifelike. After they ended their sentence Mori took a few moments and breathed a strange sigh at the ceiling and then looked at them with a single word, "Really?"

They nodded emphatically as Mori's blush became a little less slight. He bowed a little and said, "Excuse me." The Twins grinned and waved him off. "Thanks for giving us the WHOLE story!" They smiled at another victory…or was it that Mori looked a little impatient as he strode off probably attempting to find his little Mitsukuni?

***

The Twins walked without hesitation to their next target. It wouldn't be easy at all, but this was an obstacle that they had to overcome to let their plan meet fruition. They would have to start and then strike without another word. It would be difficult, but they would prevail.

They walked up to Kyoya solemnly and seriously, waiting until he looked up from his little black book. He used his idiosyncratic false smile and asked them simply, "Yes?" Hikaru went for it. "Kyoya, are you gay?" The questioned blinked and then resumed his regular smile.

"Yes, yes I am. Thank you for asking; you saved me the trouble of coming out, but keep it to yourselves. Remember that my family has guards at every border in the world." He returned to his little black book and did not look up again.

The Twins pumped their arms in the air. Everything was going smoothly as according to their expectations. Now they had to move on to the hardest challenge of all…

***

RRRRRIIIINNNGGG!!! RRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGG!!! Ranka turned slightly from her regular paper, which to her was completely full of nothing important. She tossed away the news, still holding the comics and picked up the telephone. "Hello," she said in her assumed rasping sort of voice, "may I ask who is speaking please?" The Twins replied steadily. "Hello Ranka, it's the Hiitachin Twins and we have an important question for you."

Ranka shrugged unbeknownst to the people on the other line and answered, closing her eyes. "Sure, ask away! It's not like I have anything to hide." The Twins waited for a moment before Kaoru let it fall in the air. "Ranka…are you gay?" There was silence at the other end of the telephone.

Ranka answered after the Twins' pulses started to sky rocket. "Oh, of course not, I just like to wear women's clothes because they circulate air better." The Twins looked down at the ground in shame. They felt their plan failing. One answered, "Oh… really?"

Ranka yelled at them. "OF COURSE I'M GAY YOU DIPSHITS! WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS?! I'M BISEXUAL AND PROUD OF IT AND I THOUGHT THAT YOU TWO OF ALL PEOPLE COULD TELL! HONESTLY I WOULD EXPECT TWO BUDDING HOMOS TO HAVE SOME SENSE OF KINSHIPPING GAYDAR!! I GUESS I WAS WRONG!!! YOU SHAME ALL HOMOS AROUND THE WORLD!!! NOW BEGONE BEFORE I VEX THEE WITH CHRYSANTHEMUM!!!" The line went dead.

The Twins looked at each other in shock as they each heard the dial tone. They slowly looked up, still with wide eyes, but they soon turned their faces back into mischevious looks of glee. Their plan hadn't failed after all! It was a work of pure strategic genius and the doubt worked perfectly!

As they had planned, even if Ranka wasn't gay, then she would need a reason to dress in her style of clothes or be ridiculed, so she would have to say it anyway! It had worked perfectly! Now on to the next task…it would be, perhaps even more difficult…due to the unpredictability…

***

The twins peeked into the Black Magic club meeting room and cautiously eyed each other as they spotted a lone figure practicing deep within the shadows of the room. They knew well enough who it was, for who else was so devoted to the darkness that he would stay even during the spring holidays? Nekozawa!

They opened the door quickly and silently, not bothering to cut the light on and closing the door back behind them. There was no way that they were going to let a chance like this one disappear so easily. They were nearly on top of the demon worshipper before they knew it.

Nekozawa was oblivious to anything going on behind him as he stood at an altar slowly sewing up what looked like a rag doll at its ripped seams. He hummed slightly and there was uncharacteristically cheerful tune to his humming. It was when he started talking to himself that it was made clear why it was possible for Umehito Nekozawa to be chipper.

"Oh," he said in a soft, pleasingly warm voice, "Kirimi is going to absolutely love this doll that I've made her! I even made sure that there were no occult symbols on it this time! She'll be so pleased!" He went back to his humming before biting the thread and holding the doll back to look at his finished work.

The Twins were sympathetic and smiled, genuinely touched for a moment. He was at least trying. However, the "Aw, how sweet" feeling disappeared as their plan went back into action. They crept up behind him and two pairs of hands wrapped themselves around Nekozawa's waist.

The trapped occultist yelped and turned from side to side trying to see who was holding him. The squirming made it more fun for the Twins as they pulled him farther and farther away into a corner so as to escape the candle light.

Nekozawa could already sense the point that he was trapped, so he vocalized. "Who are you?! What do you want?! If it's you Satan, you already know that I sent this month's rent with Miriam! You know that! What else do you want?!"

The Twins buried their faces in the back Nekozawa's neck having a laughing fit, but Nekozawa still couldn't pin down who it was just by laughter alone. This was good for the Twins, but not good for Nekozawa.

"Answer me! Who are you?!" The Twins withheld their laughter again and went on with their plan. They each leaned over to one of Nekozawa's ears and spoke simultaneously, completely filling his head with sound. The echoing booming voices they simulated were also to great effect.

"UMEHITO NEKOZAWA! YOU DARE ASK MY NAME WHEN IT IS TO ME THAT YOU PRAY?" Nekozawa's breath hitched. He moved his arms and slightly felt that there were four arms strapped around his waist. He let out a gasp and a shudder and with that, let out a statement that haunts the Twins to this day.

"-gasp- Four arms?! That means…that means…CTHULU?! IS IT REALLY YOU?! IT IS REALLY, REALLY YOU?!" The Twins struggled to keep it together as they could see the extreme glee that seemed to have a glow of its own vibrating off of Nekozawa's face. They sustained their demeanor.

"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY PRESENCE! QUIET AND LISTEN TO THE COMMAND OF YOUR GOD!" Nekozawa automatically stiffened as a sign of obedience. The Twins went on. "I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE AND IT WILL LEAD YOU TO GREAT THINGS IN THE FUTURE FOR BOTH MY OWN AND YOUR GLORY!" Nekozawa began to shiver with what the Twins perceived to be excitement.

"Yes, my lord, what is it that you ask of your humble servant?" The Twins swallowed and with smiles that nearly disconnected their jaws, they replied. "YOU ARE TO BECOME QUEER!" Nekozawa stopped moving before relaxing completely. The Twins almost worried until…

"If you say so, then I shall obey my lord…" The Twins grinned, feeling their faces connect. "GOOD, NOW BEND OVER!" Nekozawa shot up with conflict, "My Lord?!" The Twins kept on going. "AND STAY IN THAT POSITION UNTIL I COME BACK, I NEED TO GET A PEPSI!" Nekozawa bent over and looked at the ground trying to ignore whatever he had just heard, but of course, the Twins wouldn't let him.

"OH, AND ALSO, WHICH WAY IS THE BATHROOM? I NEED TO FIND ONE QUICK!" Nekozawa stuttered, "It…It's…the…the fourth door…on the left!" The Twins walked slowly to the door and left after leaving a final order. "YEAH, THANKS, OH, AND REMEMBER YOU ARE NOW QUEER!!!" They were through the door in a matter of milliseconds.

The Twins continued laughing well past the fourth door on the left and continued on with their quest after conversing over how that had gone. "Well, didn't you think it was brilliant actually using a god that doesn't exist?" The other replied, "Oh absolutely! The point that he believed it was even more wonderful, but the best part is the fun that we're going to have when we get back to him…do you think we'll forget and leave him in there?" The other shook his head, "Nah."

***

The Twins headed back to the music room for what they perceived to be their final battle. They went mentally psyched and completely confident. After everything else had panned out, they knew that their plan was at its final stage of completion and they were slightly proud of it.

They opened the doors and what besieged their eyes was none other than their last target. It was the obnoxious king. This one would be interesting. They walked up, with their swords at the ready and eye determined; this was it.

They looked to their "leader." He blinked and turned to them, tossing out a strange, but still normal (for him anyway) hand gesture and a flowing movement of his neck. The Twins looked at each other before he even spoke and their thoughts were very uniform. "We have this in the bag!"

Tamaki continued his bizarre body logo until he came to the words and then he let them go. "Greetings to you the devil double of the host club! What brings you to appear before the court of your grandiose king?" The pair bit back laughter for the umpteenth time that day and proceeded.

"My lord, we have come to talk of grave matters…" Tamaki merely raised an eyebrow. "Continue and proceed my loyal subjects…" The Twins grinned. "Well, my lord, we have discovered that every male in this club except for you is gay!" Tamaki gasped in such a real/fake way that only Ouran High School could portray it as such.

They went on. "We fear, my lord, that because of better plot development and the need for fanservice as well as love triangles and the plot devices to thicken the atmosphere, unless you convert from your wicked ways of heterosexuality, you will be condemned to be cut from the story!"

Tamaki slouched in his chair from what seemed like faint of heart as the Twins heard a large thump in the background. They turned to see Renge passed out about three feet away as she had been eavesdropping on the conversation. It proved too much for the loyal Fangirl.

They turned back to find the mentally musing Tamaki flustered under the circumstances of this revelation. He muttered to himself almost hysterically as the thoughts poured into his brain. "I don't know what I should do! I know that the story was continually progressing towards the plot development with me mainly in the picture, but if this is true and Hatori –sama wants to create a thicker web of mass fanservice, then the obvious choice that fangirls would have on homosexuals over me would be greater than possibly imagined...!

Then of course there was that odd survey that Kyoya handed to me telling me that it said that fangirls wrote many more slash fanfics than those that pair me with Haruhi…of course Kyoya did have a rather odd suggestive look in his eye when he handed me that survey, but nevertheless, the results still count for something!

I do not want to have to sacrifice Haruhi for a guise that might get me cut, but on the other hand this new personality purposely pushed and prodded onto my physique might also have negative results that might result in even worse circumstances…so…what do I do?

Should I lose it all or chance it for either a win or a loss? There's only one thing that I can do! I'VE DECIDED! I WILL SWALLOW MY PRIDE AND BECOME GAY FOR HARUHI!!!" He had stood up in his chair for this announcement and thankfully for what pride he hadn't swallowed, the only people in the room were those of the host club.

Haruhi looked over at him for a moment before remarking and turning back to her book. "You pig. I am not interested in gay men." Tamaki fell off of his chair, shattered and basically heartbroken. Kyoya quickly walked over to console him.

The Twins jumped happily into the air, slapping a high five before walking over to Haruhi. "Our plan was a success! Since we're the only straight ones of this entire club, WE GET HARUHI!" Tamaki's head shot up. "WHAT?! BUT…BUT…B…BUT! YOU'RE THE GAY ONES!!!" The Twins turned out Cheshire cat grins. "We lied."

Tamaki looked even more paper thin. They turned back to Haruhi and stated their inquisition. "Now Haruhi, we can have a threeway!" What little life that still was in Tamaki floated out in a little soul bubble that Kyoya caught and quickly put in a jam jar for safe keeping.

Haruhi looked up from her book slowly and then put a smile on her face before finishing the rest of the argument. "Since you openly said that both of you are the only straight ones of the group, then you concluded that I am gay. Therefore there is no point in me either accepting your offer or you even offering it. So, Fuck off."

The Twins widened their eyes and looked at one another. Their minds were one again united. "Shit." They were almost depressed until they remembered Haruhi's last words. Hikaru turned to Kaoru. "Hmm…fuck off…hey, didn't we leave Nekozawa in the black magic club meeting room?" Kaoru smiled. "Why, yes brother, we did."

They then took each other by the arm and skipped out of the room as everyone except for Haruhi who clearly had better things to do, watched them and realized the magnitude of the ruse. Mori quickly took his arm from Hunny's shoulder and Kyoya did not step away from Tamaki.

Hunny frowned and grabbed Mori's arm and looked up. "I still like boys!" Mori smiled and Renge gurgled as foam started to pour out of the mouth of her still unconscious body.

***

Nekozawa was getting tired. His back was aching and his entire frame was ready to collapse. He was praying to his god to give him strength as he could hardly stand up anymore. The door creaked and Nekozawa heard giggles of laughter.

He turned slightly and quickly tried to reassure himself. "My lord, is that you?" The Twins boomed into the room. "YES MY LOYAL SERVANT, IT IS!" Nekozawa almost blushed when he remembered something. "Oh! My lord, how was your soft drink?" The Twins grinned in the shadows.

"IT WAS WONDERFUL, BUT I DON'T THINK IT QUITE QUENCHED MY THIRST!" Nekozawa frowned in apprehension at disappointing his "god." "Well then my lord, what else would you like to drink?" The Twins shouted at the top of their lungs.

"MILK!" Nekozawa paled. "I'm sorry…but I don't have any milk my lord…" The evil duo encroached upon the poor defenseless Nekozawa. "SURE YOU DO!"

The only thing heard from that room for the next hour or two was screaming…lots and lots of screaming.

***

The Twins lay on the floor laughing beside an unconscious, still heavily huffing Nekozawa. They looked at each other. Kaoru whispered to Hikaru. "Do you think we should tell him or just let him have his own little fantasy about this?" Hikaru considered for a moment before replying. "I think that we should just say that his god told us to do it for a purification ritual and that way we can keep fucking him until he figures it out." Kaoru looked thoughtful.

"Good plan."

A/N: Hooray! It is finished! Okay…so this was just some random thing that popped into my head…I just had to write it though. I knew that it would be funny. So, naturally, why wouldn't I write it?

Credit to Pepsi for being awesome. I don't drink soft drinks…at all…anymore, but when I have no choice to, I always choose Pepsi because it's never let me down. Yes, credit to Pepsi, the only soft drink chosen by fake gods the world over.

Cthulhu credit goes to H.P. Lovecraft for a wonderful creation in his fiction. Heheheh…funny.

I honestly don't think that I had that much else to say except that I hope I got the peoples in character and that the Twins are very evil and I meant it that way.

Also, outside of the chibi and Fangirl attraction that I have for Nekozawa and Ranka, (Who are my favorite characters in that order) I do actually really love Haruhi. I can't put her in a pairing because of my inability to write hetero pairings, but I still love her.

She truly is a wonderful character and I do not like the thought of people making her stupid or shallow or…I shudder to say it…valley girl… (S2 projectile vomits in the background) She isn't and she certainly isn't chained or submitting to Tamaki! Urgh…I just try to make her real…

I would appreciate reviews, preferably those that are constructed and actually give me feedback, but as long as you aren't flaming, trolling or hating, I don't think I'd mind a review. I luvs my reviewers!

Okay, well, this has been long and hard…longer and harder for Nekozawa, but still it was long and hard for me to finish this thing, so now, I will revise it once and send it off to the publisher, who I will pay his monthly salary now with the ending notes given to Infernum. Take it away!

New A/N from me: I just wanted to say that I seriously don't know how I come up with half of this crap. I really don't. But, I will say that I am not on any drugs that would give me any of these ideas. They are all from my really…really…crazy imagination…really…really…crazy…


End file.
